On the way out of the state forest we stopped at a crappy little gas station to get a map and plot our fastest route out of this backwards hellhole and back to civilization.
As if to give us one last reminder that we weren’t out yet, the gas station attendant was a mouth breather of epic proportions who could have easily been cast in Deliverance…
“Come on Ma, can’t we eat ‘em?”
“No, Junior, we ate the last ones and ain’t even done nothin’ with their cars yet.”
In conclusion, what I’m trying to say is you can basically write off the entire Northwestern part of Minnesota. Don't bother with it. Really. If you want
the same experience, just drive around in circles then blow your head off.
There's a sign near Roseau, MN that tells the story. It's a directional sign. It has an arrow pointing straight ahead to Roseau, then there’s a right arrow pointing to some other crappy little town (let’s just call it Rathole for the sake of argument), and then there’s a little left arrow pointing to…oh, what was that place again…um…oh, yes – Canada! It's no wonder Americans are fat, dumb and dangerous. They put an entire country on the same level of importance as a town about the size of mosquito dick. Where their idea of entertainment is sitting in a bar that looks like it was entirely created from materials found in the clearance aisle at Menards (The Patch), listening to “gangsta rap” (as if anyone in the place has ever seen a black guy in person and wouldn’t drag him behind their F-150 if they ever did) and drinking five cent taps (until your own sister looks kind of hot to you).
The best thing Northwestern Minnesota has going for it, as far as I can tell, is they build really fucking straight roads. They go for miles with absolutely nothing to look at. Every once in a while you see a group of trees, and you think maybe you’re about to see something really exciting. Then, as if they are some kind of mirage, you pass them, and there’s nothing again. After a while you get so numb, it’s like being hypnotized. You know you’re fucked when a curve in the road really gets your heart racing. Many times you’ll see a sign that says you’re entering a town and you look on both sides of the highway and there's still nothingness for miles. There’s literally no town. Don't trust the maps of this region, because they mark towns that don't exist. Gas up every chance you get, because you may drive for hours through the third ring of Hell without seeing one damn thing.
God forbid you get stuck in the Red Lake Indian reserve. Red Lake is one of the largest lakes in the entire state of Minnesota. It's so large you can't see the other side. The reserve surrounds this lake. And what do you think the Red Lake Indians do with the gift from nature; this scenic lakeshore property? Well, they put dumpsters on it of course. I kept picturing the Indian from that famous anti-littering ad. Except instead of a single tear running down his face he’s looking at this piss bucket and balling his eyes out like a little girl. The convenience stores in the Red Lake Indian Reserve don’t have bathrooms, they have outhouses. Outhouses!
Look here’s the thing. I didn’t want to go on this trip. I didn’t really want to ride ATV’s. But if I’m gonna have to go, at least I’m gonna try to get something out of it. And here’s what I take from it. I think people are really good at heart and mean well, but for some reason this world just finds ways to make them get in line and stop thinking. I think it’s true for big cities and small towns. I just wish people would wake up at least a little and look around and notice the crap that’s wrong and do something to change it. Is that too much to ask?
The only soul these hick American towns can muster up is the local cafe. Perhaps if the main street bar is still around, it will have soul too. But most times they've been shut down and replaced by the disgrace previously described. As we left to visit this wasteland of humanity, I remember Bill Coontz telling us excitedly to make sure and visit “The Patch.” I remember thinking, “The patch of what? Dogshit? Poison Ivy? What?” I should have known.
Come again???
No thanks!!!
Trying to find beauty in boredom. I think this was the first real architectural detail we’d seen in hours.
The “udder cola”? Small town cow humor proves to not be very funny.
Trains.
Stopping at a rest stop for a pee. Unfortunately for me this guy wasn’t just taking a pee and completely ruined the can while i was in there. I almost blew all those cheeseburgers i ate
Store and Cafe...but NO restroom!!!
That would be out back in a wood shed with a hole in the ground...no lie!
Aside from grain elevators, this was the architectural highlight of the trip. We didn’t stop, but we should have. I’d like to meet Leroy and see what he’s all about.